He came in unanticipated, his voice a hoarse whisper beside my ear as he looked at the screen over my shoulder. “I see you’re trying to post another story. You never learn do you?”
“It’s a small story. An idea came to me last night” I gulped, my voice shaking as my fingers paused over the keyboard.
He read silently for a few minutes then snorted, “An idea- you joke! This crap? This isn’t writing…with this your dishwasher – I can’t even call it talent compared to everything else you see on there. Haven’t you seen better? What makes you think you can compete with that?”
His words ran into each other and swam round my head.
“Stop. It’s not a contest! Besides I’m pretty good. I have reads on those stories. People comment on them…they love them. They…” my throat closed, choking on the onslaught of words being produced by my brain but I couldn’t dare say.
As usual his laughter sent chills down my spine and a fist round my heart. “Then you’re more of a fool than I thought”
Is he right? Am I really deluding myself?
“They read it because they are curious” he continued, his voice much closer than before echoing inside my brain. “They want to know what you bring to the table and I bet they are disgusted. They pity you – comment…after all that hard work you put in to write that trash it’s only fair you receive a pat on the back”
I wanted to lash back at him but it would be a very stupid move.
So harsh, why was he so hard on me today? “I’m not the best and it’s not a contest…we all have different styles…different commitment level to our work here” I know I’m not one of the best, not even close but I try. My fists curled in my palm, the screen becoming blurry as tears pinched behind my eyes.
“What is this tears? You never could handle the truth and if you really believe the shit you’re sprouting, you’re worse off than I thought. Delete them. Delete them all. You aren’t a writer, you never were. Give up this foolishness now, you know your limits – now respect them” His voice slowly faded away and even though the wounds they punched open in my mind hurt like crazy, I still panicked wiping the tears and snort on my face with my sleeves.”Come back! Please don’t go yet! I need you…I still need you!”
“I’ll be back when you’re ready to be reasonable” and Poof. Just like that…silence.
Alone…I was all alone. No matter how much I had wished for it and always prayed for him to go away, whenever he did his absence made that place inside hollow.
I hate when he goes silent and leaves me alone to fight my insecurities. I know he’s not always right but this time maybe he is.
“Who would want to read this shit?” and I hit delete.